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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29015058">Rainbows</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GothRockFairy/pseuds/GothRockFairy'>GothRockFairy</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaytheJay/pseuds/KaytheJay'>KaytheJay</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Established Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentions of miscarriage, Miscarriage, Pregnant Aziraphale (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:07:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,562</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29015058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GothRockFairy/pseuds/GothRockFairy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaytheJay/pseuds/KaytheJay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the middle of the night, Aziraphale decides to confess something he should have told Crowley a long time ago.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Rainbows</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello hello here again to warn you of the fic that you have clicked into because I know I am not the only one who does not read tags. </p><p>This fic talks about a miscarriage, not in great detail, but that is the center of the fic. It does have a happy ending, so there is that. But yeah. This fic is <i>heavy<i></i></i></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Aziraphale shot up in bed, breathing heavily. He didn’t have a bad dream, per se. He just had a memory. One he’d thought he’d buried long ago, but he sighed and slowly got out of bed, holding his very obviously pregnant belly. He looked over to his sleeping husband and smirked a little. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything was fine. Here they were in their little South Downs cottage by the sea. They were going to be parents. Now . . . Aziraphale walked out to the kitchen to think. He tried to shake that memory away but it wasn’t going away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why did it have to creep back in now? My life is perfect. Why does it have to be now?!” He asked himself, rubbing over his swell.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Crowley slowly blinked awake, having felt Azirpahale get up. “Azira?” he asked. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “Angel?” He sat up slowly and realized that the angel was no longer in the room. He got up and headed to the kitchen. It wasn’t unlike the angel to enjoy himself a midnight snack. “Hey,” Crowley murmured. When he saw the look on the angel’s face, he realized something was wrong. “What’s the matter?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do sit down, my love. I think I finally have to confess something to you. I do hope you won’t think I’m wicked or something.” He sighed into his hands. This was a century’s-long secret, and he hoped this wouldn’t end his marriage. They weren’t even together when it happened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Crowley did as he was told. He glanced up at the clock. 3 AM. What a strange time to be confessing sins. He looked to the angel. “I’m sure whatever it is, it isn’t as bad as you think it is,” Crowley said. “You’re an angel, after all. Whatever it is, I’m all ears to listen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aziraphale took hold of Crowley’s hands as he squeezed them. “This baby . . . it isn’t my first.” He swallowed hard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Crowley asked, furrowing his brows. He was certain that Aziraphale wouldn’t be able to hide a whole </span>
  <em>
    <span>child</span>
  </em>
  <span> from him, regardless of if it was Crowley’s or not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember back in 1825 when we hadn’t seen each other since the Reign of Terror? When we . . . did something that night.” He was getting nervous, but he had to get this off his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do,” Crowley said, suddenly nervous. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Have I accidentally been a deadbeat dad? I never wanted to be a deadbeat. That’s why I’m here.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He subconsciously put his hand on Aziraphale’s belly because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely </span>
  </em>
  <span>didn’t want to mess up with this one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aziraphale felt tears sting his eyes. “Crowley . . . the baby never made it.” He sighed. “I had a very early miscarriage some time after we hadn’t seen each other. I only knew for a few days. But I loved them . . . even for only moments, it seemed.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Crowley felt himself tense up. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We have another baby</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He shook his head. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We </span>
  </em>
  <span>had</span>
  <em>
    <span> another baby</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The news of not only another child, but a miscarriage as well was too much for him to take in. He was suddenly grateful that Aziraphale had told him to sit down to hear the news. If he wasn’t already sitting, he was certain that he would have collapsed to the floor. He stared down at Aziraphale’s belly. Thinking of what was and what could have been. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aziraphale began to sob. He hadn’t allowed himself to properly mourn that child until now. He had to go through the process of miscarrying alone. He was waiting for Crowley to tell him he was done with this relationship and would be gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aziraphale’s sobs mostly pulled Crowley out of his headspace. He wrapped his arms around the angel. He was trying to process it himself. It was a loss that he’d suffered without even knowing it. Their first child was </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone</span>
  </em>
  <span>. There was no getting them back. Crowley tightened the hug, as if somehow if he let go, he would lose Aziraphale and the baby he was carrying now. He couldn’t bear the thought of it. He felt the tears burning his eyes. He was glad Azirpahale opened up to him, no matter how much it was hurting him now. He closed his eyes and felt a tear slip out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aziraphale was holding onto Crowley as if he was going to vanish right before him. “I’m so sorry my dear,” he murmured. “I should have just let it stay in my mind instead of dragging you down with me.” He sobbed against Crowley’s shoulder. “I thought maybe I did something wrong or it was Heaven punishing me because I had lain with you in a moment of pure desire. Was it because of me?” He was asking the hard questions. “That’s why when I saw you again in the 1860s when you asked for holy water, I got so upset. Because I had already lost the baby and I couldn’t bear losing you too. It was sickening to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shhh, angel,” Crowley whispered. “I’m glad you told me, actually,” Crowley said. “It hurts, but I’m glad to know.” he placed a lingering kiss on the angel’s head. He took a deep breath. “It’s not your fault. If it was some kind of punishment, surely they would have taken this child away from us too.” Even just voicing the possibility made his heartache even more. He didn’t think he would be able to handle the loss, even with Azirpahale right there to help him through it. He had no idea how the angel could have possibly gotten through it on his own. “No, these things just happen sometimes. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. It just happens. God is cruel in that way. But it is </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>your fault.” Crowley closed his eyes again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aziraphale took a few deep breaths to calm down since he didn’t want this to negatively affect this baby they were so close to meeting. “I was doing some reading and found that . . . a baby born after loss if called a rainbow baby. Because after a storm comes a rainbow. Sounds rather lovely when it’s said like that. It’s like my second chance to be a mother.” He leaned against Crowley. “We weren’t together anyway, whe it happened. Part of me worried that they would have . . . been just as hunted as us, dear.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I suppose that that could be a bright side of it,” Crowley said. “That we’ll never know that for sure.” He took a deep breath. “But of course, I would rather have that other child too.” He took a deep breath of his own. “I’ve heard of rainbow babies, but I never thought I’d have one myself.” He placed his hand on Aziraphale’s belly. “And here they were all along.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aziraphale placed his hands over Crowley’s as their child moved about to reassure them both. “When they move like that, I feel like bursting into song. I love them so much. I feel that I will cherish everything that they are because of what has happened. They won’t replace the one we lost, but they will help fill in the hole in my heart as much as they can.” He gently rubbed over where the baby moved. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It is quite beautiful,” Crowley said, “significantly more so knowing . . . knowing what we’ve lost.” He wasn’t sure if it would ever feel quite real to him that they’d lost a child due to the fact that he was not there for that child. The thought made him feel worse because he knew that had he known, he would have been there. Especially for Azirpahale after the fact.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please promise me you won’t blame yourself. You didn’t know at all. It had nothing to do with you, my love.” Aziraphale cupped Crowley’s face. “And I never regretted that night because it was the first time I felt like we could be free. Yet here we are now.” He managed a smile for his husband. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I . . . yeah, I can do that for you,” Crowley replied. “It . . . wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t your fault. No one is to blame for it.” He took a deep breath. “It just wasn’t our time yet.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But it is now. And we will love this child with all that we have.” He kissed Crowley’s head and wrapped his arms around him. “Do you think . . . they went to Heaven?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They didn’t have the chance to do anything wrong,” Crowley said, knowing what the angel needed to hear. “Of course they did.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aziraphale nodded and he sighed against him. “I’m so sorry I’ve deprived you of your precious sleep.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not important,” Crowley said. “I’m a demon. I don’t technically need sleep. ‘Sides, I slept for an entire century. I think I can handle not sleeping for a bit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aziraphale laughed and he kissed his demon on the mouth. “I love you, Anthony J. Crowley. The baby loves you.” He knew things could only go up now that they had talked about this finally.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I love you, my dear angel,” Crowley replied. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When their little rainbow baby arrived, it was magical, wonderful, and above all healing. The Almighty had a bit of a heart after all. When the first was born, the all-too-familiar pains of labor returned only a few minutes later. That’s how Crowley ended up with his arms full of two precious babies. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hits and kudos mean the world to us. Comments fuel us into next week.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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